Shnat

I'm nearing the end of communa right now. We just found out that the last part of our program won't be in kibbutz Mishmar Haemek because of issues with the Hebrew program they run their, and instead we will be living in a privatized kibbutz, kibbutz Ramat Hashofet. Its a smaller kibbutz, so hopefully we'll have a better relationship with the members there, and the Hebrew program isn't a state program like the one we would have had on Mishmar, but the classes will still be pretty much the same, and we have a lot more freedom in the program because the entire section there will be controlled by our program's leaders. The fact that the kibbutz is privatized is an issue for some people, but I am looking forward to it in that there is a reason why the communal kibbutz is a very rare thing, and there is a reason why we don't live in a socialist world, so hopefully being there will enable me to gain the perspective and understanding I need to go back into the real world from this little bubble I've been in all year. The other major issue people have with this change in the program is that on this kibbutz we will be living in a house together, again, and will be responsible together for things like cleaning and meals we won't eat with the kibbutz. To me, the fact that this is an issue for many people is something that brings to light our most fundamental issues, begin with openness, understanding, and communication.

People don't want to continue the living situation we have right now because for most, in one way or another, this has not been a great way to be together. There is lots of frustration over various things, in a wide range, from people not cleaning up dishes after themselves or being too loud at night when others want to sleep, to passiveness, a lifestyle of waking up just to go to work in the afternoon, consuming peulot rather than taking an active role, lack of motivation and general not caring. The shit kind of hit the fan about two weeks ago where one person told us they were thinking of leaving the communa indefinitely. They wanted to leave because they were feeling unfulfilled, that they expected us to do more in communa, that they took this year away from studies to do something that meant something to them, and instead they were hardly doing anything, with people in the communa or in the world outside. When he spoke and we all talked together, we found that his feelings were ones felt by many of us, including myself, and that the real problem was that we were feeling these things and thinking we were the only ones, that we were separate from the rest of the group and dealing with this issue alone was hopeless. In the end, he left only for an extended weekend, and we decided together to take on a number of projects, both for ourselves within the communa, planning activities to do together in the house and out, and for the larger Hashomer community, creating things as representatives of the world movement to send to our movements back home.

This issue and phenomenon being brought to light, we still didn't hit the nail on the head. When we discussed the projects, it was suggested but turned down that we take a step back and look at the reasons why we would chose to take on a project, what the motivation, ideology or goal behind various exploits would be, and many people felt little or no investment in these things we were supposed to decide on as a group. The basic problem went on, that what people felt was important as individuals wasn't taken as something that had meaning for the group. Being in this slump, maybe, the individualistic perspective we took on, made people lose sight of the fact that each person is a member of the kvutza, and therefore the issues felt by each member of the kvutza mean everything to the healthy functioning of the kvutza.

A week later another member of the kvutza told us they wanted to leave indefinitely. The issue this time was much easier for me to see. This person explained many reasons she wanted to leave, mostly because of the way we treat each other, that we are rude, disrespectful, irresponsible and there is hostility between us. Again, things that maybe every person in the kvutza felt. She also had issues with things people did, undiscussed policies and events, that no one knew there was a problem with. She said she tried to understand why people did what they did but in the end she couldn't accept it, but she never asked anyone why they did what they did or made anyone aware that she had a serious problem with what was going on. To her, it was easier to preoccupy herself when things were bad and to make a separation between the person and the things they did or said that she didn't like.

I say these things knowing I behaved similarly to this girl, and I'm pretty sure it's something true for nearly every member of the kvutza to a certain extent. I understand that it's hard to be vocal, open up and really say what you think about something, but I think something missing in that perspective is that the silence people choose is exactly what causes these problems. The fact that people don't want to live in a house together again is exactly what will make living that way an unpleasant thing. When I say silence, it's also not just about silence, because there are people who will speak and still don't understand their responsibility as a member of a kvutza. If someone stand around and says, "This house is dirty, we need to clean, why aren't we all cleaning", they aren't listening to the silent voice of group responsibility that says, "You are a part of this 'We'. If you want something to change, don't stand around and yell at it. Make the change." If you want to be frustrated and unhappy with things, you will be, and if you want to change them, you need to actively understand them, have whatever form of communication, and you will find partners to change things with you.

People don't see that what they want and need are things the kvutza needs, that what they think and feel are things the kvutza feels, and that without communication of these things on the most basic, core level, you won't have a kvutza.

This kind of communication and openness to me is the most fundamental part of creating a world based on real value. Without this as the base, there is no proper revolution, there is no sane way to live. It may be because of the society we have been raised in that this is our reality in communa, but if we, here, on this program, living this attempted intentional life, can't get over the difficulties of opening up, can't trust each other and be worthy of trust, then I really don't know what hope there is to have for changing anything in this world. As I said, I know I am not the ideal of open, I understand why it is difficult to be so open, but it's worth pushing ourselves a lot, and without the commitment of each person, the group in this way is failed.

We aren't all together right now, we were a small group at home over the weekend and we still have others that haven't yet returned, plus the girl who for now has left, but I know we will talk about this tomorrow, and I will say all of this to the kvutza. I also need to give the kvutza an ultimatum, because I need to know if we are all committed to being an open, functioning, progressive and productive group, or if we are a group of very good friends who do a lot of fantastic things together, but hide some of our feelings and therefore need to ignore and avoid things in order to be happy and functioning together. I understand either state, I just need to know, and I need to know exactly why. More than that, if we are a group of friends, I need to know what that means for the larger picture, because I can avoid and ignore when no other option is given, but I don't know how that can coincide with the kind of progression we as individuals and as members of society desperately need. I can avoid and ignore and I can live a life without full meaning, intentionality or actualized values, and I can avoid and ignore in order to be okay with that, and I can have never joined this program and be none the wiser.

Sorry it's a downer. I promise I'm not serious all the time and I'm really enjoying myself. I saw Avatar and went to Rosh Hanikra this weekend and it was awesome. I'm going to post about all those things. You'll see.

Please comment, though, tell me what you think, talk to me, know that I care and I'm looking for insights from anyone who has to offer. Please share :).